Well, well, well...
Here I am again.
Unfortunately this long-overdue update isn't going to be some fun "what I've been up to" recap of my international partying and multi-million dollar lifestyle.  Oh no, quite the opposite.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

It’s about religion.

WAIT WAIT WAIT!  PLEASE don't go read Homestar Runner or some other enjoyably lighthearted site without giving me a chance first.

O.K.?

Thank you.

From the moment I can remember being alive I have had religion in my life.  Literally.  I went to Saint David's Episcopal church in Roswell from age three until I left for college at 18.  Unless I was very sick or out of town I went to church every Sunday and all holidays (including Ash Wednesday, Fat Tuesday, etc.).  Sometimes, when my family was out of town, we went to a church in whatever town we were vacationing in.  Needless to say, as a three year old I didn't ask questions like, "So, how exactly does the water and wine turn into Jesus’ actual flesh and blood?".  However, since I had been "indoctrinated" to this form of belief for my entire life, I just assumed Christianity and it's tenets were true.  Even as a young adult (18-21) I still held the concepts of Christianity to be basically true.

(As a side note, the Episcopal Church isn't NEARLY as right wing and reactionary as many Christian sects.  We were taught to respect other ideas and religions and we were NEVER taught to hate gays, abortionists, etc.)

Once I started college I quit going to church, mainly because I wanted to relax whenever I wasn't working or doing school stuff.  If my 1 day off a week was Sunday, I sure as fuck wasn't getting up at 8 a.m. to go to church.  Needless to say, over time this left a void in my life, since my spiritual needs had been fulfilled by Christianity for so many years.  For a while using drugs filled this void in me.  Believe it or not, drug use is actually a widely acknowledged form of spiritual exploration in both ancient and modern societies.  See, for instance, the TV Series "The Power of Myth" by Joseph Campbell & Bill Moyers, the books of Timothy Leary, or even the song from the Tool album Aenima "Third Eye" with the lyric, "prying open my third eye"(that is, using drugs to gain spiritual knowledge as opposed to, say, prayer or meditation).  I still believe that using drugs allowed me to open my mind and see life and the world from different perspectives that I may have never even considered without drugs.  But the problem with using drugs to open yourself to spiritual knowledge is its messiness and inaccuracy-you are more open to new or foreign ideas, but you have less of a threshold to filter out the bullshit.  Hence the existence of cults, Birkinstocks,the Grateful Dead and Hippies.

(Also, let's make 1 point clear:  I was doing drugs mainly for fun.  Doing drugs can make you feel good-that's why most people do 'em.  But, for many others, and myself you start doing drugs for fun and gradually discover the spiritual aspect that can come with getting high.  It is my belief, in retrospect, that drugs helped fill the spiritual void I was experiencing due to the loss of belief in Christianity.)

However, drugs clearly have a lot of drawbacks like overdoses, D.W.I.s and jail (none of which I experienced during college, which may be proof of God in and of itself!) and I eventually quit using them.  So, spiritually, I was lost again.

For a few years I went back and forth-from believing in God to just not thinking about spiritual things at all.  Mostly I just drifted about with the vague but uniquely American concept of "God with a little g".  You know:  "there is some higher power but as long as I'm a good person everything will be alright and I'll go to heaven even though I know damn well these Nikes are made by children in China but I'm not whipping the little bastards and I love my mom and the United States so i'll be alright and go to heaven for sure."  A pseudo-religion of non-commitment and no-risk.

And then I started watching the news with stories of serial killers murdering babies in front of their mothers.

And reading things like Punk Planet, "A People's History of the United States", and "Lies My Teacher Told Me".

And listening to fools like George W. preach the gospel of Jesus (a prophet of peace) while dressed in s general's uniform.

And hearing on NPR stories of the genocide in Rwanda and thinking of how fucking horrible THAT must have been only to have it start all over again in Sudan.

And watching a bunch of ignorant red-neck fucks use "christianity" to rationalize everything from the crappy "Left Behind" book series to shooting abortion doctors.

Where o' where is the great, capital G God that I had heard of all my life?  And why o' why is he letting all this really incredibly bad shit happen?

I asked a priest and he said,"the greatest gift God gave us is free will".  Fine.  Free will and individuality are great.  But like anyone who has ever owned a pet can tell you, Fido shouldn't be able to eat the neighbor's children and then crap on the rug just because its his "free will". 

Oh you're still here?  Wow!  Even I was getting bored with myself there for a minute...

Do we really need spirituality in our lives?  Its my belief that we do, but logically it makes more sense for humanity to be an experiment put here by a space traveling alien race than for some all powerful, vague god-ghost thing to have created us in his image.  And if the monotheistic religions aren't right, then who is?  Hindus?  Satanists?  Hippies(god-forbid)?

Maybe life as we know it is just a random occurrence of cells and their completely random interactions and after the collection of cells that is my body ceases to be alive then "Tim Georges II" is gone forever.

Why does all of this matter?  Well, it has been bothering me for over a year now, but suddenly it seems much more important to me.  Because we're having a baby.  How can I tell a child, "Don't misbehave" if I believe that we're only here for a fleeting moment in this black, empty, howling void?  Or, if the Christian idea of God is true, shouldn't I raise my child to be a social worker or a charity director because the entire point of Christianity is treating your fellow man as you would be treated (another point lost on the "religious" right)?

I have no answers, only nagging questions.  I've been writing for 2 hours now and I'm exhausted.

Any one out there?  Anyone have any thoughts?